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I've forgotten about love... I've forgotten that i want it, i've forgotten to give it.. I've gotten away from the person i want to be! So, am gonna make the effort to get back to it... as soon as i stop wallowing. I feel like i want to cry. Maybe I should and get it out so i can move on..
so, the question is, what do it do now...? what do i want? where do I go from here... maybe i'll know more after I've cried...
RP
I think I must be curious about a lot of things because I was talking to my co-worker "KK" about him. she knows that he's my ex. One day i mentioned the clothes that he was wearing. Her response to me was "why are you checking him out?". I didn't feel that i was "checking him out" but perhaps I was?!? Why oh why am I curious about assholes and fuckwits? Is that my lot in life? I don't want that! Meh, it's not as if i think about him when i don't see him so I think it's all good...
As for KK however, she's a really knowledgeable person. She knows her shit and it shows. However, she's young (23 soon to be 24). We frequently argue over the radio station. because she's young and the rest of the staff are young, they like the young station. I (and the management) think that music is not appropriate and therefore the radio station should be more Adult Contemporary music. On the weekends it is not so. It just irks me that after being told by management KK continues to change the radio station (or rather, condones when the radio station is changed). it is not at appropriate to be listening to Eminem whilst making a $100,000 investment! KK says that the radio is for the staff. kind of a selfish approach. Anyway not sure what to do. The MCS (and her direct boss) is leaving so the radio station is probably the last thing on her mind. I've voiced my opinion however, I'm not the supervisor nor do I have any authority so my words fall upon deaf ears... *sigh* What to do?
RP
- Mood:
pensive
It's 11 days into the new year. I was feeling optimistic for all the possibilities to come in 2011 (and beyond really). So far nothing terribly exciting has happened. So far it's just been more of the same! but as i said, there are still 354 days to go!!!
hmm... I was trying to get rid of some dude who i have been exchanging emails and text messages with since April 2010. He's never really had any hard pressed desire to meet up in person. That should tell me something right there! He messaged me a few times over the holidays but I didn't feel like indulging him in his 'games'. Finally last week I made up my mind that I no longer wished to play with him. He wanted to know what happened and why I changed my mind. I just said that I wasn't into this stupid thing we had going on anymore. I asked him not to text me anymore but he didn't listen and I continued to respond to him. Actually, i was a little sad that i decided to cast him aside. he was mildly amusing but in reality, he was nothing I want (or at least he didn't present himself that way) and i decided that i wanted something New and REAL for 2011!! Anyway, i was getting comfortable with my decision and then he text me again. I admitted that I wasn't "sure" about him. His words still resonate with me. he said "keep me". I asked him why and he said "why not". Not too promising can I tell you? I told him that should have been the point when he should 'sell himself' to me. Anyway, not sure what happened but he was uber tentative (to me) this past weekend. Still no mention of meeting up or anything but he kept texting me. Not a peep from him y'day though. and it's fine if he doesn't want to continue and make it seem as if it's HIS idea. Something tells me though that he needs/wants me more than I do him (not to be conceited but he's the one who contacts me!). He keeps telling me that I'm "so pretty", "I'm so cool" (true!) and that he loves my voice (meh - if i had $5 every time I heard that!!!)... So he seems somewhat into me HOWEVER, he's just not THAT into me! And i know that and I'm fine with that... I need to move on from him...and so does he for that matter!
However, there are no other loves on the horizon. That sucks because it inevitably makes me think of past loves... Or perhaps it was the rapid fire, back and forth text messaging with Mr. BC?!?! He was funny and charming (or at least he appeared to be). He made me laugh. it was good. It made me want to ask him why we never made it as a real couple. But I refrained. what's the point? That ship has sailed soooooo long ago! But that doesn't mean that my brain agrees with my heart! I can't believe that after all this time I still feel something for this boy!!! yikes! I know that we're friends (he actually said that I'm one of his 'best friends' - surprise to me!) and I'm cool with that. and i know that's all it's ever gonna be. so, why did i get all "weird" when I read his FB status that said "having roommates sucks when you want the house to yourself"! I immediately though that perhaps he wanted the place to himself because he wanted to entertain the female persuasion! Why did (ok, does) that bother me!?!? He's totally supposed to move on (and clearly he has!) so why then, am I so affected by what he does/who he dates?!? (granted I don't know for certain that he's actually dating someone. He could merely have wanted some alone time)... Today's status has me thinking that it's about me "I wish things were different"! Yes, I know that I'm delusional!!! blech... so now i'm deep in thought. booo... The good news is that this will only last until something/one better comes along!
I'm imagining all types of scenarios for when I see him again. if/when i head to BC in May, i don't think that i'll plan to spend time with him. The last time he took a day off work to hang with me and I just felt stupid and awkward. I may not even tell him that I'll be in town...although I think that would hurt him if i did that (i know i'd feel that way). so perhaps I'll suggest that we go out for lunch/dinner and that's it. I don't need to see him and I certainly don't need to spend more time with him than necessary. What's the point? Who likes to feel awkward and weird (besides him of course!)
So, i need to set my sites on a new love!! If only someone worthy would come along to amuse me! It's about time don't y'all think?
ok... time for lunch.. no more thoughts!
RP
- Mood:
restless - Music:DJ Got us Falling in Love - Usher f. Pitbull
so, got stood up by Nicholas Turner on Saturday. Not really sure what happened. I thought we were going to meet at 2pm at Second Cup at Hwy 10 and Bovaird in Brampton. I was there, he was not. So then I tried to call him. no answer. I sent a text message - no response. I emailed him to say perhaps we got our wires crossed. no answer. then I thought perhaps he was in an accident and asked him to call me to ensure his safety. no answer. then i go on to PoF the next day to find that he's deleted AND REMOVED any contact between us and refuses to talk to me on an instant message chat. Not really sure what he's thinking but it's clear that he doesn't want to talk to me.
If he thinks i stood him up, okay I can understand why he'd be pissed. But I've clearly been trying to explain that perhaps we missed each other or misunderstood the meeting time and place. I wanted him to know that I was there at a certain time and he wasn't. so, either he thinks I stood him up or he actually showed up and didn't like what he saw (me) and he bolted.
Whatever the case, it really sucks. I'm hurt and confused and frustrated. I know that i need to move on from this experience. I know that I have to be positive and find some kind of upside to this latest debacle that is my love life but it's really hard!!!
Anyway, i don't want to dwell on the shit in my life... I should really try to "deny the presence of ill feelings" but i just can't help the way I feel. Hopefully I will be feeling better in a few days. I already felt slightly better this morning when I woke up. At least i will be able to catch up on my sleep since I insist on going to bed vs. staying up and crying over some asshole boy who was so hot to trot for me one day and then doesn't have the balls (or decency) to talk to me the next. It's definitely not my issue. I did nothing wrong.
I am the fool who continues to put myself out there in the hopes of finding love. Part of me wants to stop but I know that i have to take risks to get/find what I want.... I'm just not sure how much more I can take!!!!
RP
- Mood:
sad
Grrr.... I'm so irritated today and I'm really not sure why!!!!! I was feeling okay until I got to work (bank). I just can't deal with people who disrespect the rules. I follow them so why don't they think that they have to? The radio station at work... it's driving me mad. We were told by the Manager of Customer Service not to change the station and yet people still do! I can't handle the station that they play because it's not really appropriate for the bank but the kids that work here don't give a damn! that's what gets me. People today don't care... The conversations are inappropriate and the swearing is rampant. Maybe I'm too old to be working with these kids??? Well something's got to change and I'm not sure that I can...!!! When did i get so old???
And in continuining with the bank theme, last night a staff member asked me to mail something to a customer. I was annoyed because she should have mailed the item out. Just because she spends her days talking and not getting any work done and then has to dash off is no reason why I have to be the one to do her work. That's rude and I don't appreciate that. I didn't mail it when she asked me to but I did end up doing it. I decided that it wasn't worth making a big deal about it... even though it does irritate me. I emailed my MCS and told her that i wasn't happy about it. Not that i expect her to do anything on my behalf but i want her to be aware of what's going on.
Fuck these people!
Maybe there's another reason why I'm annoyed... but I can't figure it out right now... grrr... i hope my mood changes soon!!!
RP
ok but seriously, WHY am I bothered by this? Ugh... is it because I feel that i should be doing something else? Is it because i was made to feel like an idiot and not good enough? Whatever the reason (and I really don't need to KNOW the reason), i wish it would go away. I don't like thinking that I'm jealous/envious etc. of MS. FREAKIN' TARDY PANTS!!! I am hoping that part of it is that i feel that everyone I know is moving on with their life and I'm not! booo... I hate feeling that way. Life is NOT a competition and I don't know why I insist on making it one... I need to grow up.
well, perhaps a positive step in the right direction is that I have just bought my second house! (Although this should bring great excitement to me it is being overshadowed by the fact that I'm a failure and can't progress in my banking career!) Anyway, the house is technically in name only. my parents are fronting all the cash and will be responsible for everything. I just sign. I don't even care if i get $$ from the deal. I just want to say that i own Property!
ok.. back to feeling sorry for myself (that is what I'm doing right?) i need to get the fuck over it! Big Deal! So What? Who cares? it's not me or my life and doesn't really affect me (although i have to work one of her shifts in July because she'll be gone and there is no one to cover it so i once again draw the short straw!)...
ok.as i told my friend, it's time for me to go home an put my head in the oven. I told her not to worry because I have an eye doctor's appointment in the afternoon so I can't kill myself!
RP
- Mood: jealous
So I had a v. interesting conversation with an old friend today. I'm not even sure how we started talking... Oh! I know! I was on FB and so was he (on chat) and he's never on so I asked him what the dilly yo? He said that he was taking some time off. He needed vacay. His father is in the hospital after having a 3rd stroke and he's not getting any better. My friend is snapping at work (yelling at his boss) and he also fell asleep at work - he says that he's not sleeping at home. He also just officially broke up with a girl he was dating/banging. I think his head is not in the right place. I should preface all of this by saying this is my friend who has angered me time and time again with his "rules" of love. That the woman must make a certain amount of $$, she must look at certain way etc. Ugh... Anyway...
He started reminiscing about the past and things that happened with us. He remembered a dress that i wore to my Christmas party from YEARS ago! like almost 15 years! That astounded me! (He asked if i still have it!). Well, it might have been the wine or whatever but we did make out that night. I distinctly remember him telling me that nothing was ever going to become of us. I was hurt because I had to wonder what the hell was wrong with me? How could a guy kiss me and then tell me to fuck off? (Little did i know that would be the story of my life!!!). But I digress...
After that, things were awkward between us but we/I got over it as we share a group of friends and we often get together. We managed to conquer the weirdness enough to start to hang out along again. We would go to dinner, movies, watch movies at his place. It was all cool. I think there might have been a strange vibe but both of us chose to ignore it.
Anyway, y'day we started chatting and he revealed that he wished that he had taken a chance with me! that's news to me! and not so earth shattering as he's had a crush on all the girls in our group. He said that he felt that I was a little mean to him lately and that he knew that I had changed since I pissed him off (with his rules of dating theory). I told him that he wasn't incorrect and I apologized to him for flying off the handle. I told him that I don't agree with the way he views love and relationships but it's his opinion and he's entitled to it. It has nothing to do with me so I should just chillax. I think that was mighty grown up of me!
The comment that struck a chord with me however is the fact that he said that when he and I used to hang out together I used to show a "softer" side of me. I didn't realize that I did that? I think that's the old me... possibly she still exists but I don't let her out a lot! She tends to get hurt so I must protect her... Seriously, I thought it was strange that he picked up on those nuances about me. I suppose he's not a complete idiot and can see what's in front of him.
Anyway, I told him that I'd try to be nicer to him and that we could even hang out more. I'm not sure if he thinks something's going to happen between us. I'm not feelin' him - not in that way. I think that the only reason why he admitted anything to me y'day was because he's feeling vulnerable - a girl that he was into just broke up with him, his pa is in limbo, his life is at a standstill. he's looking for love or something and I happened to be there??? I do appreciate his honesty with me and revealing his feelings. I told him that I didn't think that what I said to him even phased him because he never let it show.
Anyway, we shall see what happens - whether or not we hang out. I just hope that he doesn't have any delusions of grandeur that he and I will be a couple. I know all too well about delusions of grandeur and it ain't fun!
RP
- Mood:
contemplative
Any ideas of constructive/non-destructive behaviours I can partake in? Something's gotta give....
RP
On the weekend, we went out for Afternoon Tea at the Four Seasons to celebrate Quesidilla's birthday. What a fabulous tea! i was so hungry i practically stuffed all 5 of my sandwiches in my mouth at once! Soooo good! and sooooo not on Dr. Poo's diet! anyway, we needed to kill some time after tea so we decided to walk the street of Yorkville. It was soooo bloody cold and we were almost about to abandon our walk when Quesidilla said that we should head into Anthropologie. I didn't even know that there were stores in Canada. The last I knew they were only in the states.
So, in we saunter. We look around. I'm mortified at the prices of everyday items (Hair clip $12, earrings $44). I even said that i thought that some of the clothes were downright hideous! I really couldn't understand what people saw in the clothes. They were nothing I've ever seen before being a faithful Reitmans shopper! but a funny thing happened.... on our way out, i came across a blouse that was really pretty and unlike anything i've seen previously. so, my friends encouraged me to try it on. I knew it would never fit (this store seemed to outfit only the XS and S's alike). Since i was going to try, my friends decided to pull clothes for me. It was actually a lot off fun. I tried on a lot of clothes that I wouldn't have looked at previously. The only shirt i didn't mind actually didn't look that good on me (it was orange!). The really pretty blouse didn't fit (no surprise there). but the big surprise was that there were clothes that a)fit me well and b) i liked the clothes!!!
My friends were concerned that i would freak out at the price of some of the clothes ($98 for a shirt???) but honestly, it looked really good on me. I will pay for things that enhance my natural booty! ha ha ha! my only concern is that now i'm addicted to the clothes!!! Not everything will fit me nor can i afford everything in the store! i happen to love this dress http://www.anthropologie.com/anthro/cat
I have been looking for some bedding and found this: http://www.anthropologie.com/anthro/cat
I'm not sure why all of a sudden i've been so taken with this store and their clothes!!! Minutes before my purchase I was lamenting how unappealing i thought the clothes were!!! So, what happened to me? I no longer feel that way. i think the clothes are v. unique. *sigh*....
Lord Help me is all I have to say!
RP
I did however, give my number to a customer at the bank. Why can't I learn to say no? I've given this customer my number before and he's never called so I figured what's the harm? well, he really did call me this time. I was expecting another call and so I actually answered my phone when he called. we talked (rather he talked) about his trial and tribulations in life. He's had a rough go of things. He had he foot amputated years ago and last year he was diagnosed with a brain tumor! he had to have it removed and as a result, he doesn't have a skull covering his temporal lobe! he's supposed to get surgery to fix that but he's not sure... Anyway, he seems like a nice man and I guess that he's into me... but as per usual, I'm not into nice men! For whatever reason, I like my men with a bit of edge to them.
I also noticed during our conversation that he was v. serious - understandably as his life has been anything but a barrel of laughs but it's a little bit depressing. I need a man who has a sense of humour or one who i can make laugh! This man was trying desperately to get with me. He rang me Saturday night about 8:30pm-ish. I had just poured me a glass of wine and was planning on staying in for the evening. Upon learning that, the dude said that he was going to ask me if i wanted to go for a coffee... then he basically asked if he could come over (NO!). Then he asked me what i was doing Sunday (i had plans)... Next he asked me if i ate breakfast! Gotta give him points for trying... I guess I shouldn't have given him my number if i wasn't into him.... maybe one day i'll learn!
The other interesting thing that happened to me is that i was v. helpful to a customer... you see, he wanted to deposit a cheque to his account but he wouldn't be able to make it to the branch. He said that he was on his way to Pittsburgh so he couldn't come to the branch. After he told me where he was (somewhere on the 407), i told him where he could stop at a bank. Turns out there was one in Stoney Creek. He wanted me to stay on the phone with him until he was at the machine making his deposit. He was sooo appreciative that he said that he'd bring me a bottle back! I assured him that was not necessary. During our call he tried to ensure me that I knew who he was (Even though he wasn't sure who I was. I finally had to tell him that I was the only sista in the place!) In an attempt to keep the conversation going he kept asking me all kinds of (personal) things. I have to say that it was fun chatting with him and the fact that I was able to help him find a bank made me feel pretty good also! Not that I want nor expect a 'bottle', it would be interesting to see if he's a man of his word... none of them are really so if he does show up I'll be v. surprised!
RP
- Mood:
amused
